Day 6 29thNov'22. 2:19am Writers block

 I always wanted to write stories, share stories... so much so that my Social sciences class was also story time for me. I remember coming back home and telling mom that today the teacher narrater a story. 

Then we grew up a little more and saw these stories through plays. It got me interested in performing arts.

Slowly steadily I started performing with my sister for tv and sometimes on stage. These stories gave a new confidence when performed on stage or as an audience they gave a very new perspective. Followed with this was my interest in tv and films. From assisting in tv to directing and producing shows and now working as script supervisor. It is a lot of hard work gone into to tell the story in best way possible.

So today when I sit to write anything smallest as this blog. Why do I struggle so much? Why writing a post is making me feel like a writers block... I have seen so much, worked a bit... then why am i not able to put it all on paper. Because writing or story telling isnt a job. It doesnt have any formula. It is an art that  has to come fromt he heart. So dont worry of failing... just try. Write simple, write in flow... The writers block is temporary till You tell a story that must be told. Dont rest. 

One day at a time. Afterall thoughts do take time. Writers do get stuck. Writers block is the first step to go in the right direction to tell your story.

And it is your story. Make it worth telling and sharing. 

On this note. Goodnight ;)

Day 5 28thnov'22 2:13am Ghas by Paash

 

This video has a story. I heard this poem Ghaas many many years back when I had applied for NSD and this came enclosed as 1 of the pieces to be prepared for the test.

Loved it from that time. Infact read more about the poet later. This poem made an instant connect with me.  Though the references are about political senario's in those times and how people will be consciou and the consciousness will take over everything that was once destroyed. 

I felt comfort in remembering this. No almost 10 to 12 years later I was visiting a friend to meet up and read something together. We made random experimental videos. This was one of them and impromptu. May be because i was not prepared but for this one i just wanted to do something for myself and this poem makes me feel just like grass sometime.

Good we made an attempt. It is a masterpiece in poems though not when i recited it. But this again brought back so many memories of confident me...(may be not in the video but trust me 12 years back I was) I remembered that girl from college who just knew how to perform. I felt so good after making and now after posting this video.

Once a performer always a performer. Met & Celebrated that 20's old me today ;)

Goodnight!

Day 4 27thNov'22. 1:51am Hospital Visits - Doctor's blessings

 Last few months have been in and out of hospitals. Started with a day to sit in a hospital for extended family to be in the same Hospital and outside ICU for unknown hours in a month.

I believe last few months were the worst time we saw as a family. My family was visiting me in Mumbai and this time it was for a break... longer than their usual couple of days stopover..

But destiny had something else in store for us. After reaching here our one family member got discharged from ICU and the other got admitted. My husband and mom both fell sick. Husband's desease got detected but mom was diagnosed incorrectly. Where husbands treatment started in time we lost few days for mom and her condition deteriorated. Family physician whom we could not consult earlier suggested emergency and referred a doctor there.

Mom got admitted and the main Dr. from the time of meeting me showed support. He is a senior most doctor and an Icu director. He gadged my attention as he had treated our other family member and I told him my confidence lies in him. he without any thinking exchanged number with me and said he would do his best...as case was already very tricky.

Rest is history as a lot went in a period of a months time. But this doctor gave us amazing lessons. He was confident, proactive, professional and supportive. All this and my moms willpower and family support got us out of the critical situation.

We can't thank the team of doctors enough...and everyone who genuinely stoodby us during this time. From strangers to friends and family members who reached out and showed love and concern for us all. 

I might not say it enough but I am grateful for each one of you to be a part of our life. You guys know who all you are. 

I wont lie, there was a bit of anger and wierd emotions for those who didnt understand the fragile moment we were in and asked or suggested things which didnt feel right. 

But lets not go there, my this time visit turned out to be a happy one when the reports show mom's recovery is on the right track. I felt victory when the doctor too complimented by just saying very good. 

Though the entire process of hospital visit could be very exhausting in itself  but these two words she is doing fine relieves the stress. 

The day followed few tests and a vaccination towards the end. 

The journey in hospital flashes through evryday but its also a reminder now not to take each moment for granted. To cherish time with family and regained my faith in doctors. That good doctors exist.

I have immense gratitude for everyone who helped in moms recovery. Also not a single day pass when i dont thnak god for blessing us... My faith in god stays strong after this episode 

Day 3 26th nov'22. 2:00am Tough gets Tougher

 The day seemed to be never ending but was a productive one. No, I did not create a master piece today but I managed a lot it seems. And this one is not at professional front but at personal front.

There were some extreme crucial times in the family that we had to face. The time seemed difficult or I should say never ending. But as they say when the going gets tough the tough gets tougher.

Today's post is short but it's a post to not break the flow. Just write anything but mostly persevere. in post and life. So today showed some better development in a family members health. 

So cheers to this persons will power and good health and cheers to this short and quick post.

Day 2 Nov.25'2022 2:48a.m. Take Action

The day was full of surprises and balancing acts. Today the day began early. Woke up at 6am and did a bit of skating. I used to enjoy skating as a kid. So much so that I used to climb and come down the stairs while wearing it. Today, the 30 mins practice took me back to that child who was carefree. 

Loved it! Post that a couple of rounds and walk in the complex. It was quiet satisfying. Then read a long long story... Randomly. 

Honestly with just this much I felt satisfied for the day but the day had something else in store. 

Got to meet someone whom I wanted to meet for a long time. whom I love dearly and have grown up watching on big screen and now these days small screen too. Whom I have been fortunate enough to work with. Who inspired me the most. None other than... Oh wait... I can't just give away this detail. Let's keep it for some other day when I won't have much to share.

For now writing about it is too early I don't wanna spill all the beans. Just felt the big you become and achieve more... being grounded, down to earth and humble will take you places.

This day was quite something and made me believe even more in the power of dreams and dreaming big! 

A long detailed post shall follow soon regarding this. 

Additional thing done today - I posted an old video of mine. which I had recorded when I just wanted to create something. with some courage I posted it up online sometime back. Not a big deal for sure. But just that after very long I gathered courage to put it out there. Feels like a bit prepared to show what's in there to the world out there. 

The other self awareness that happened - I had noticed earlier I used to write blog only when I used to be upset or the heart and mind used to play games. Today the heart is content. Just as the day has come to an end. I have immense gratitude for the life and tough times I got to deal with so far else I won't have felt grateful for today. 

This much for now. Talk to later ;)

Day 1. Nov24'2022 01:40am. Your Impact On Other People - Learning from the best!

 After almost 2 years resuming to write a post.

In these 2 years Gained a lot of experience and got the privilege to learn from the best in the industry and otherwise. 

Not only the last couple of years years but last month too was an experience in itself. 

Why to talk in rounds when I can share in short. So basically this post is the beginning of what I learnt from the best (Mr. Amitabh Bachchan sir). It was during the shoot of Goodbye (film 2022 release) that I got the opportunity to work with some of the best talents. During this time got to know how punctual, perfectionist and passionate , the man is and how he does work hard even after so many years in the industry. No doubt like many I was in an awe of what I was witnessing. While others see and assume how he is. I was getting a chance to show my expertise and work along with him. Honestly I should have been intimidated and won't lie to some extent I was but more than that I was hungry to learn from the best. Even the smallest skill I would be able to imbibe even that would be enough. 

So one of the things that touched my heart was Mr. Amitabh Bachchan's down to earth nature, him giving letters to the people who touch his heart, him tirelessly signing the autographs for all of us and especially sending it to office in my case. 

Honestly I never dreamt of working with him someday. I became a fan of his in the process of working. One day I got to know he had posted a picture of mine with him on his Tumblr account. I thought its a prank that the crew is playing on me but oh boy! there I was on his page... making a quick entry with a picture of mine and a caption without name being referred as continuity person. 

That picture and post made me follow his posts everyday. I realised how he enters a small post even after a tiring day and today learning from the best but lazy and late in applying it in my life. I am beginning my journey again with this post to write each day without fail, Even a line or a thought but I want to try how tirelessly one persevere a thought and make it a practice and then habit and then routine. Unlike his posts not many would be interested in knowing what I think, write or feel about. But I want to try try... Max to max I would fail but I would be happy that I tried.

  

Ghazal

Kaash main tumhe dikha sakti
Jo sapne main aksar dekha karti hun
Hote ho tum bhi usme kabhi
Ek dost ban kar,
Ek hamdard ban kar
Wo sab ban kar jo main chahti thi
Tum bano mere par
Tum reh gaye wo sabak ban kar
Ek ghazal ki tarha
Jise main zindagi bhar gaa sakti hun
Par bhula nahi sakti

HOPE (A Hopeless Thing)

The sun looked like a magical ball
So I squeezed in all my dreams, fears and all my emotions...
Hope was put in this shiny ball...
Now it just emits light!!!

Night or something like that

Oh night! You are beautiful...
You don't give me false hopes...
For new beginning or a bright tomorrow...
You keep your promise unlike others...

In you... I play hide and seek with my own self...
You make me feel mysterious about myself

With each night... I unfold a new chapter of my own story...
My ups... My downs...
My success... My failure
My surety and insecurities...
Oh night... you have seen it all...

You have been a best friend
Always by my side...
to give me time to cry... when I try to hide my tears
to think when other thoughts come to distract...
to be fearful of my own self and in other minute be courageous...
to see me strong enough and fight all my battles...

Oh beautiful Night... You have seen it all...
Unlike others you keep your promise...
So today... Let me... ask you...
Are you tired? Have you rested enough?

Take out time!!!

Time is everything but how strange that only we humans follow time

To wake up early

To go to bed

To have a meeting

To plan a vacation…

Animals hardly use watch to deliver a baby…

They don’t really have to keep a record of birthdays…

But for us time is precious.

Sometimes what you really want is time

Sometimes what we don’t have is time

And sometime we have too much time

Sometimes we don’t know what to do with time

You can never trick time

But time can trick you any time

Beware of time!

Respect time

Before it says – Time out !!!

Sapne bikte hain?

Kuch sapne hain mere pass

Unhe bechne nikli hun…

Kya aap khareedoge?

                        

Ye wo sapne hain jo maine akele nahi dekhe…

Na hee kabhi kisi ko dikhaye…

Kya inhein aap khareedoge?

Shayad ye ab kisi kaam ke nahi…

Kyunki jisne ye dikhaye the ab wo mere saath nahi…

Par shayad ye aapke kaam aa jaye…

Kya ab aap inhein khareedoge?

Kya sapne bikte hain?

Shayad haan ya shayad nahi

To phir unki itni badi keemat chukani kyu padti hai?

Iss sawaal ka jawab de kar tum ye sapne khareed loge…

Samuel Beckett, Waiting for Godot

“ESTRAGON: Don't touch me! Don't question me! Don't speak to me! Stay with me!
VLADIMIR: Did I ever leave you?
ESTRAGON: You let me go.”

This simple conversation has so much depth in itself.

Sometimes we think we did nothing. We fail to understand the reasons. We don't even question our self thinking we did nothing and live rest of our life guilt free. But sometimes that is the only reason people , relations and things change... People don't leave you. You let them go... Things could have been so very different has something been done to make special ones feel secure and happy and sticking around them as they just need you and nothing else. Rather than just doing nothing and changing the life of someone who thinks you are close to them and you wont let them go...

If you have someone so close just stick around and make sure you let them know that you wont let them go... :)

`Saddened, Numb and Heart broken... RIP Farooq Sheikh Saab!!!

It was 28th dec early in the morning that I woke up to a message from a friend breaking this breath taking news that Farooq Sheikh sahab has passed away. I could not believe the news and replied to the text immediately asking what are you saying... seriously??  Got a confirmation call in return.

The entire day I was upset and heart broken... It all started from him after all... It was 3 years ago when I came to Mumbai for a project. I was excited as I was told that the veteran actor Farooq sheikh sahab will host our show 'Aahar darpan' for Doordarshan. As an assistant director then, I was told that my job would be taking care of Farooq Sahab with his script and his outfit continuity during the shoot.

Early morning...first day of our shoot.  It was pouring heavily in Mumbai and I was told to inform everyone when Farooq sahab is on the sets... I remember I was waiting for him to get down of a big car as normally the big celebrities usually do...but to my surprise nothing even close to that  happened...Infact,  an auto passed by ...which I didn't even bother to check...and then I saw everyone going towards that auto...as Farooq sahab got out of the rick..

I anyways loved him as an actor in all his movies especially chashme badoor and Katha... but this was a moment when I fell in love with this man all over again...not for his acting but for his simplicity, charm and aura he had at that moment. So far I have met so many celebrities and worked with them closely but I wont lie I never felt so happy and excited to see them as I felt when I came across 'gentlemen'... I was in complete awe when I saw him for the first time... standing right in front of me... in white kurta pajama with chicken kadai work on it.

Then came the best part... 'The Shoot' ... where I was actually seeing this well educated , well versed versatile actor saying those long hindi sentences which took us ages to pen down on the papers with so much ease...interest and perfection and 'the urdu lehza'... he had was just cherry on the cake... The most boring topic was sounding so interesting because of him...On the sets apart from the director... only I had an access to his vanity van. I was helping him with the script along with the script writer... Though Farooq ji was the best when it comes to the hindi and urdu zubaan but there was just one word that he had a little difficultly in pronouncing... "prasanskaran" and in the process of finalising the script I had learnt it by heart as a result I just said it at one go... this amazed him and he asked me to repeat this word again for him... and that was the ice breaking moment between us. I remember after this he started refering to me as mohtarma... for rechecking the words and sentences just after reading it on sets with the consent of the script writer of course...which I guess was to keep everyone involved and in light mood.

Another day we were getting out of his Vanity van when he started the conversation- Aap dilli se hain? I said Ji... Farooq sahab then asked me - Which place you like better dilli or bombay? to which my reply was- Abhi zyada waqt nahi hua but dil dilli mein hai or kaam bombay mein so... and we both exchanged a smile... the moment we reached the door of the studio he asked me to enter... I said after you sir... Farooq sahab replied.... Always ladies first... After you mam... and even after trying two or three times... he was not ready to enter before me... This continued every time we used to come from the Vanity van to the set. He always used to enter after me... And I don't know if anyone noticed this or not but I was bowled by the respect and politeness this man showed during the time.

As the days passed he gave me a nick name - Hercules,.. and once i was out for the purchase of sets and was talking on phone with my director when he shouted from behind... where is hercules... call her And i got too excited to hear that message. Later he told the director not to send me anywhere as anyways I am always running around.He always used to carry the print out of the script for the next episode to be shot the very next day...once we failed to give him the same on the sets and asked him to come next day and read it before the shoot. But  he was too particular about the script... that he asked me to drop it at his place at whatever time we are done with the final print. One of my friend(then colleague) Rohini and I went at his place to handover the script. He wasnt well at that time as well and was taking rest so we didnt bother to wake him up and left the script with his wife.

Whenever he was on the sets it was always a pleasure to be around. His sense of humour ,wit and timings were amazing.

Another incident that I could recollect was with the setting dada. There was a fly on the set that was coming in the frame again and again so we called for a mosquito killing racket. Setting dada ...was trying to kill the fly... to which farooq ji very innocently asked him - " Dada ye batao jab aap ghar se nikalte ho to aap kya bolte ho... aaj main makhi maarne ja raha hoon...? ' and we all burst out laughing....including our setting dada...:)


In the short span of those few days of shoot I met
such an amazing personality who was so passionate
towards his profession and truly respects everyone he comes across. He in fact remembered tiny details on the shoot...When I used to be confused with the continuity of his look for example kurta's for each episode...he used to remember what all he had in that particular episode like his black strap watch...and in which hand was he wearing it and which cup was he sipping the coffee from? and what books were kept on the table.  I was so impressed...call it experience or memory but it was not his job...still he used to help me in reminding things like that which were so so important and used to keep me attentive all the time... Once I ran towards him and stopped him in the middle to take his picture for the costume continuity...and he knew I was clicking it for that purpose but he turned around and gave me a great ... calm and composed smile to capture that moment.

On the last day of the shoot he asked me to call the spot dada in his vanity van...I did the same and came in the van. He took out Rs1000 and gave it to spot dada. Little hesitant to see me  there...spot dada refused to take it...and said that he was being paid by us. Farooq ji told him that this was from his side for all the care and concern sot dada took of him during the shoot...its for the hardwork they showed.

He wished me luck for future and greeted everyone around before leaving... He could have given the money on the sets as well or could not have given them the money at all...but he was just too human and  such a great soul.


I can't thank my stars enough for getting an
opportunity to work with such a genuine and gem of a person as my first project in Mumbai. Could not have asked for more. So many people have been working here and  for so long. Yet they have not been able to get this experience which I got. Such people don't exist in this time.

YOU WILL BE MISSED !!

P.S:  Just an honest attempt to pay respect and tribute to the person who deserved much more than a mention on my page... Sad , numb and heartbroken!!

Roads that are less travelled

I wish to travel to all those places which are not located on the maps... find new routes to reach dream destination. It might not be the best place in the world but am sure it will give me pure joy and a real sense of traveling. 

Beautiful People Do Not just Happen!!

In life many a times we all do feel low… Sometimes it’s just the circumstances which make us feel this way and at times… the situations. But what matters is… how these situations and circumstances mould us as a person.

It was one of those days when everything seemed wrong to me. I questioned my self about why was all that happening to me… Did I do something wrong to anyone…then why me??… Relations seemed confusing… people became different… some were for real so stayed rest just changed their ways.

                              

One after the other days passed by… and I experienced - difference…

From being the chirpy little girl… I started staying quiet. Every time something or the other kept occupying my mind. Long back then I was a kid who used to bounce all over the place… but now even to talk to strangers made me uncomfortable…It was all too complex… The feeling that am changing was hard to believe.

In no span of time I realized I have changed… and have become a completely different person. Till here I didn't know was it for good or for bad…is this going to help me or make my situation even worse… Everything changed except the faith I had in myself and my schooling. It may sound a thought from an old school but the fact is they taught me to respect the other individual… respect emotions… understand the other person as an individual like you… The ones around me have success but not the humanity that I do.  I realized… this is what is missing in this world today but I have it in me. The thought in itself is so beautiful!!!

Before, I used question those situations and times but today I thank them. It was a testing phase which was really harsh and as well as complex. But what I learnt out of those difficult times was… a lot of patience …every time there is a more complex situation… more patient I became… I trusted myself…

It takes a lot time and patience to nurture that kind of beauty. The other beauty can be maintained through creams and lotions but the heart or the soul that one has makes all the difference. All the hard times and the experience out there is what make one beautiful! its difficult to find or have the heart which deep inside knows it all all, has seen it all but still doesn't know how to hurt any one but to forgive and keep going.

More than the destination it’s the journey that matters! After all beautiful people do no just happen…

Saamna

 Bohot dino ke baad… khushi se saamna hua…

Usse guftagu ka silsila jo shuru hua...

to din se raat ho gayi

Khushi ne kuch apni kahi…kuch meri suni…

Maine kaha… laga tha yun… ki hum ab phir na milenge…

Par kisey pata tha… ye duri zyaada samay tak na reh payegi…

Nana ki kahaniyon mein yaad hai mujhe

Tumhaara zikr aksar aaya karta tha…

Tab hum bachche the… nadaan the…

Khushi darasal undino aam hua karti thi…

Jaise jaise bade hue tab maloom pada…

Ye duniya bikau hai… par khushi nahi…

Uss raat maine or khushi ne ghanto tak baatein ki...

Baaton ka silsila jab aage bada

To phir dukh ka zikr aana bhi to lazmin tha...

Khushi ko apna samajh kar maine bataya…

Woh dinn bohot mushkil the bina uske

Door door tak umeed ka bhi namon nishan nahi tha…

Din tha jo raat ka intezaar karta tha

Aur raatein thin jo din jitni lambi lagne laga karti thi

Kaam mein khud ko kaafi mashroof rakha maine...

Par maine zindangi se bhi rishta banaye rakha

Issi ummeed mein ki khushi se phir mulakaat hogi...

Uss din... bohot dino baad khushi se saamna hua

Or guftagu ka silsila yunhi chalta gaya….

Chehra

thodi si khushyan...
thode sapne jeb mein...
thode se sikke...
kuch paise jeb mein...

kagaz ke chan tukde...bikhre huye...
samet kar phir tasveer mein badle hue...
kalam se nikli shyahi jitna gehra lamha...

rail ki patri ki tarhan badta aur ghatta hai...
andheri gufaon aur gehre ghaddon ki tarhan...
mujhe sab mein udasi se bhara chehra dikhta hai...

New day ... New Story...

It was the day I reached Mumbai... At the first glance I could only see just tall buildings, narrow roads, traffic jam and a foul but peculiar smell of the gutters. This was enough for me to realize that the shelter I always had above me is gone. The feeling was mixed - I was excited but scared, energetic but low, I came along with known people yet the feeling was strange.

From the station we all got in rickshaw (to my surprise what we call auto's in delhi here they call it rickshaw). In few seconds we were right in front of a 15 floor building and was introduced to a big apartment in the same society. I never knew things would turn out for me this way. I always thought to be here but like this was not my plans. But the true story was that I was here in Mumbai, not for vacations but for work.

I hardly knew anyone here and the ones I knew told me long back that no relation works in Mumbai. 'If I am there I have to be on my own.' I learnt this lesson by heart. I was new in the city and little hesitant to look out for new places, to meet new people and explore the city on my own.

I tried and managed to stay here.. meet new people..some were supportive but some were strange. Some understood me but to understand some..I failed. I found this city wierd in many ways. I thought that relations doesn't exist here but a few proved me wrong..though I should not jump on the conclusions right now :P I spent an entire day with my sis over here and almost saw the entire city. The day she left.. there was a new start for me. It was completely different experience ...'meeting her in Delhi was different from meeting her in Mumbai'... :)

I struggled hard to adjust myself.I tried travelling through local trains.. went out in the monsoons.. met new people.. made new relations.. walked on new ways... made new place for myself.. It was almost like started up all again..Whatever I did and made in Delhi was left there...here it was a new beginning!!All this was different from doing theater in Delhi..there you perform and people look get to know you here I had to perform individually...

I almost worked day and night to sustain myself .. Initially I found it insane but slowly started enjoying this pressure.. I understood this city behaves like it's weather.. everything is so unpredictable.. and in extreme..Still I always look forward to my tomorrow's..instead of counting on problems I have started looking out for solutions.. :)

Silence Speaks !!

While sitting on the terrace and thinking for a while, i heard my silence and the sound of the sky. The floor was empty, breeze all around. Birds were in, but their feathers I found.

I took up my diary and wrote for a while. I was surprised to see the words I found. Nothing was new and nothing was strange. It was an old practice which was misplaced. I never knew I was so loud. It was then i knew, even my silence has a sound.

I am Me !!!

Am standing there all alone, facing the world while getting old.
There are people staring at me ,and here i am sharing my dream.
They know me through the actor i portray, but they don't know what I have to say.
What I perform is a part of me but what you see is Just what you want to see.
What makes sense to me is nonsense for you, but unfortunately it is true.
People dream but i dare to live my dream that is why I am 'Me' !!